The Sparky Times

Go Daddy Finds a Shinebox

Pralines & Schtick — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 20:57:26 +0000

Reddit and Go Daddy have a frank discussion about the consequences of supporting the “Stop Online Piracy Act” (SOPA).

Go Daddy gets off its SOPA soap box and finds its shine box.

Time Magazine Revolution Redux or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Anxiety

Lucky Pierre — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:27:28 +0000

OJ Simpson leads Lovelock inmates to dramatic win against the guards

Pipe — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 00:02:55 +0000

Lovelock, NV – Nobody in Perishing County predicted the annual Lovelock Correctional Center Football Championship game would end like this. Reno pegged the Inmates as 500-to-1 underdogs in the annual football matchup against the guards. But the inmates, lead by game MVP OJ Simpson, proved all the skeptics wrong by beating the Lovelock Correctional Guards and finally bringing the Lovelocket trophy back to the cells.

A 63-year-old OJ Simpson rushed for 323 yards, scored three touchdowns and threw the game-winning lateral in the game winning play.

The inmates fell behind early after Frank Cannon fumbled the opening kickoff. The turnover allowed the guards to grab a quick 7-0 lead. The inmates seemingly had no answer for prison guard defense end Kyle “The Chair” Turner who registered nine sacks and severely injured three Inmate offensive lineman.

Three fumbles, two interceptions, and a blocked kick later and the Inmates trailed 42-0 at the end of the half.

The inmates returned to the field during the second half with a renewed look of determination and spirit. On the inmates’ first possession, OJ ran 95 yards, avoiding at least 20 would-be tacklers.

The offensive explosion continued throughout the second half, the inmates closed the gap to 55-52 with 13 seconds to go in the game. For the final play, OJ lined up in the Wildcat formation – taught to him by longtime Inmate head coach Hank “Wild Cat” Jones who died of unknown causes last week at the age of 72.

OJ lateraled a perfect spiral to 18-year-old wide receiver TJ Smith, a young phenom who lost his scholarship to the University of Nevada after a drug trafficking arrest. The teenage inmate made an acrobatic catch in the end zone over three defenders to win the game.

During the play, guard Shane Scott, once again alluded blockers and hit OJ right as he threw the pass. Both men fell to the ground. OJ stood up first and offered his hand to Scott who accepted the brotherly gesture.

CERN scientists discover elusive Snuffleupagus particle

Pralines & Schtick — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 01:01:52 +0000

Geneva, Switzerland – After generations of searching, scientists working with the CERN Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest particle accelerator discovered the elusive Snuffleupagus particle.

Many thought it would be years for the scientists to pinpoint the location of this particle that seemed to always be a few steps ahead of curious scientists. On Sunday, Physicists and Scientists from around the world gathered in conference room 304 of the CERN complex to meet the newly discovered particle.

“This is what the Snuffleupagus looked liked at the moment of the Big Bird,” said one enthusiastic scientist.

“His voice is the most surprising discovery – it’s so monotone and whiny. I anticipated a more vibrant and playful particle like the Elmo.”

Some scientists had hoped more insight would come from the discovery of the Snuff. “I discovered that for the last 20 years of my career, I’ve been searching for a furry elephant-dog like particle. It’s a little tough to digest right now,” said one scientist, who was the last to leave conference room 304 after the 20-minute Q&A with the particle.

Present-Self disgusted with Past-Self for leaving all this work for Future-Self

Pralines & Schtick — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 23:00:14 +0000

Past-Self neglected to write the best man’s speech for his brother’s wedding this Saturday. This will leave Future-Self with very little time to write the 90-second toast, reports Present-Self.

“Past-Self said we had enough time to finish the toast on Saturday,” said a disgusted Present-Self. “It’s now Saturday. Dinner’s done. Where’s the speech? Future-Self will now need to finish the speech between the ceremony and the reception. He’ll come up with a quick childhood story or something. He’ll be fine.”

Guy wearing new shirt denies wearing new shirt

ghenry — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 18:53:11 +0000

Providence, RI – Mike Sharon’s appreciates his coworkers’ compliments and comments on his “new shirt” but would like everyone to know he bought this American Rag Ponce Embroidered shirt a long time ago. He doesn’t remember where but he thinks it was when he was in New York.

Sharon, a Java developer at Vector Software bought the shirt at Macy’s in the Providence Mall three weekends ago. He has worn the shirt every Saturday since. Today is the fourth time he has worn the shirt but the first day he has worn it to work and believes that is what is causing the confusion. “I got this awhile ago. I usually wear it on the weekends,” said Sharon. “No, it’s not new, just new to work.”

He-Man joins the Masters of Hospitality Management

Pralines & Schtick — Sun, 08 May 2011 05:55:08 +0000

Some fabulous secret online powers were revealed to He-Man. With just one click He-Man joined the Masters of the Business Administration in hospitality management.

He already completed his first mission and has a head start on another. While sitting in the comfort of his Eternia apartment, the Prince of Eternia emailed his take-home lodging operations quiz to his virtual professor and started the “Beverage” section of his catering management paper.

His former Masters teammates expressed some concerns about the new Masterdom.

“He’s never expressed any interest in hospitality management or anything like it – That’s a major concern,” said longtime friend Man-At-Arms. “But if this makes him happy I’m supportive. Just being happy is what he needs most right now.”

“He thinks he’s going to manage a Sheik hotel but, in reality, the rest of his life will be handing out plastic cards to tourists. The worst part is he can’t complain. He signed up to be behind that desk,” said Buzz-Off. “I think the entire idea is crazy but he won’t listen to me. It’s his money.”

Auqafina Light – Now with half the calories

Chewey — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 19:18:27 +0000