Boston, MA – Maggie Tallman had trouble understanding a local performance of Shakespeare’s romantic comedy ‘A Midsummer’s Night Dream’ over the fake laughter from the audience. “HAHAHAHA. Oh that Botton is so funny!” fake laughed a man in the fifth row in order to ensure the crowd knew that he understood the 16th century...
Dan Marino’s single-season passing yards record hopes to become irrelevant by the end of the first 18-game NFL season. “I’ve got my fingers crossed,” said the 5084 passing yards set in 1984. “Once the NFL adds two games to the schedule, I’m in the clear. Throw for 6000 yards. I don’t care. All 16-game...
Farmer Robert J. Brown triple checks the depth of his plow points, sets the pitch of the plows and spaces the tractor wheels appropriately before he begins plowing his corn fields in the morning. Once his detailed routine is complete, his last task is to steer carefully and fantasize about one day shooting an...
Infinity broke its own record last night, snatching the Multiplier of the Year award for the infinite time at the 2009 Multis. “I know a lot numbers don’t want to see me on this stage but this isn’t for them,” said a smiling Infinitas during his acceptance speech. “This award goes out to my...
Fridge – On Saturday, Butter told investors it planned to expand its use to coffee creamers, increasing the production of butter by 3.2%. The cream believes its agitated butterfat will be a wonderful pair with cup of coffee or possibly tea. “Rather than have cream and butter with your pancakes and coffee, just have...
Somerville, MA – An iPod Classic owned by Tom Sawyer has become increasingly more belligerent and will only play shitty songs during shuffle mode. He said the device has refused to cooperate even when put on Genius mode. “At first I didn’t really notice anything weird but then Maroon 5 played like five times...
Columbus, OH – Police officials expressed frustration with the ongoing investigation of a double homicide in the Mason Heights apartment building after both victims tested positive for Febreze, an odor eliminator used by many corner-cutting murderers. Franklin County Sheriff’s Office revealed they were expecting to work through the night and possibly longer but doubted whether they would be...
San Francisco, CA – As long as Pauly can remember, he lived a life of rotating smells and park space to use as he wished. Now the one-year old Labrador mix’s life revolves around running with family person in straight line with no stopping or turning. Pauly admits the first 34 seconds of running...
X-Mansion – Adam Thomashow, an 18-year-old mutant, will become the first graduate from Xavier Institute for Higher Learning with the power to make people shit no matter what. The X-Men have already offered the boy a spot on the team upon the completion of his final semester at Xavier Institute. “I know a mutant...